No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
