I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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