he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
