so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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