Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think your dad took our porno
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
