Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
