I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
