I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
