I need to stop coming to work sober
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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