If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dear god my vagina.
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