well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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