I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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