The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
