I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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