I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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