So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
