i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
