Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
