The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
