I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
