so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
