I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Two words: blizzard sex
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize