im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
