dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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