help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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