Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
