I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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