Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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