my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
third nipple confirmed
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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