So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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