I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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