The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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