The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
