I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
