So drunk its hurt
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
