either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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