I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
