I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
