I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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