I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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