i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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