You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
