dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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