Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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