So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
