i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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