my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
