i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
