If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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