nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
