sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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