Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
