I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That accounts for only three of the penises
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Randomize
