the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
