Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
