They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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