look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
