I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
