the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
