pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
