Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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