Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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