What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
